I work a lot on personal growth and seeking my own inner peace, yet despite all this work, I continue to get tripped up. For instance, just recently, I had an experience with a client that really frustrated me. When I say frustrated, I mean frustrated in only a way that my ex-husband is capable of making me feel!
Showing dogs is a competitive environment. It is a jockeying for top position. Our egos often get wrapped up in this. When our ego is hurt or slighted, it demands that someone must “pay.” “Pay” attention, because the ego doesn’t like to take responsibility for anything that does not feel good. It is so much easier to take credit for what feels good and put whatever doesn’t feel good on someone else. However, whenever we focus on someone else, we lose sight of what is really going on within ourselves.
This recently happened to me when I became so focused on my client’s ego, that I couldn’t see my own.
So here’s what happened. I began showing a puppy dog that was very handsome, yet he didn’t have any confidence or focus. The first few times I showed him, he shook his head on the go around, and was completely uninterested in anything I asked of him in the show ring. His preferred behavior at a dog show was to lie in the grass and sniff. Despite his poor performance, he won points every show cluster. After a couple of shows, his owners asked what could be done to get him showing better. I suggested he board with me while showing so we could bond and spend more time training. Throughout his training he continually won despite his lack of effort. His owners were very pleased. Within a few weeks of shows he only needed two majors to finish. There were two show clusters of majors. The first set he won one major and a major reserve. The second cluster of shows, he was defeated in his class for the first time.
From my perspective, the second cluster was a success. All the training was suddenly starting to click. It felt like a switch turned on inside his head. He was psyched-up ringside. He loved working, showing, and focusing on all the commands that I asked of him. My heart swelled with pride, I was happy to see him enthusiastic and willing to please. I wasn’t just proud of him – I was proud of us.
I love the challenge of turning disinterested dogs into show dogs. It’s one of the best feelings in the world to watch a dog blossom and discover their own hidden potential. Despite showing dogs since I was a kid, I still sometimes experience doubt, about my ability to turn a dog around. In this case, we did it. My heart was wide open with enthusiasm for all the great work we did together. For me, it wasn’t about the wins in the show ring. I knew the wins would come. What was important to me was that I felt I helped develop the dog’s potential to become a top “special” one day. I helped create the mindset and behavior of a future star.
From my client’s perspective, the cluster was a major disappointment. One of his owners informed me that he didn’t see the point in finishing the dog’s championship. He said, “Since the dog didn’t win against major competition that tells me that perhaps he’s not good enough. I think we should just bring him home and forget about the whole championship thing. Clearly the dog isn’t as good as we thought he was cracked up to be.”
His comment felt like a blow to the chest. His disbelief in his dog felt like he didn’t believe in me. His dog and I were a team. If felt unfair. For weeks, these owners were my biggest fans: now I might never see their dog again. I might not have the opportunity to finish what I started and had put so much effort into. I couldn’t control the direction the judges choose to point their finger, yet it felt I was being held responsible for him not winning. I was angry at my client, mentally internalizing everything he had to say and very aware that my client’s ego was wrapped up in his dog’s success in the show ring.
I’ve seen this before. With this knowledge, I should have been able to walk away unaffected yet I couldn’t. Although I didn’t recognize it at the time, my own ego had been triggered as well. With two egos clashing, we weren’t able to have a rational conversation, because neither one of us was in a rational place. Fortunately, we were both wise enough to know it was best to walk away.
After doing a bit of soul searching, I discovered that it was much easier to see that my client’s ego was hurt than to recognize my own hurt. I was just too angry to see it at the time. I had worked really hard and I didn’t feel my work was being acknowledged. It also hurt that I thought these clients really valued my work and now they were telling me that they didn’t want to work with me anymore. This brought up past feelings of conditional love and thoughts of, “clients only love me when I win.” And after a little more introspection, I discovered that the underlying theme was that I wanted my client to validate me and all the great work I did with his dog. Ugh! Did I really want to look at that, my own need to be validated?
The professional thing to do would have been to accept that I got paid to do a job, and know that I did it well and I did it to the best of my ability. However, I was not feeling very professional at the time. Instead, I was lost in the trappings of my ego.
I am learning that whenever there is an altercation, it is important to step back and determine what part of the issue is mine to own and what part is someone else’s. Typically, if it’s not mine to own, I don’t feel triggered or upset. When I do feel triggered or upset, there is an old wound there in need of tending. Once I was able to more clearly identify my hurt feelings, I was able to recognize that these were some old negative beliefs I still hold about myself. These thoughts are often at play within my mind, and as long as they are unconscious, they will continue to trip me up. Arriving at this insight helped me shift from blaming my client to taking responsibility for my own feelings and my own hurt ego.
Published in Dog News Magazine, August 10, 2018, page 30